You know, sometimes life could be harder when you’re the least favorite among others. Be it your parents, your boss, your teacher. It hurts when you are treated like you’re invisible.

Back in elementary school, I was in this team of 3 (the other 2 are my seniors), joining a competition among Islamic Schools in the city where some of the subjects were things I was actually pretty good at (Arabic and Islamic History—okay don’t laugh). Not a surprise when we finally got the 2nd winner. The bizarre thing was, when we, the team, were supposed to take a victory photo, and suddenly this coach of ours asked me to get out of the frame and replaced me with another relative of his—the kid who didn’t even go to the same school with us! That was so weird on so many levels. I earned that position and he mindlessly made me out of the picture. I know I shouldn’t hold a grudge over something trivial like this but man I can’t deny that that was humiliating. I kept thinking about it until today since what he did still makes no sense to me.

I had a long history of skin issues. Back when I was a kid, my skin developed some sort of rash around the chest and particularly at body folds, mostly on elbow crease. It became more frequent as I grew older, and I thought it was due to excessive consumption of eggs. So then I avoided eggs. Red rash once all over my arm and when the doctor checked my blood pressure, the rash became black dots—that was when the doctor realized I had DBD.

It went terribly bad when I was in college—all over my ankle was itchy and started to wound occasionally. My lips went thick and super itchy once I ate shrimp so then I avoided seafood too.

Fast forward, 3 years ago when I was fasting in Ramadhan, I was bit by a large black ant—the one you can find digging the ground or a field, not the smaller one who likes sweets—and I seriously thought I was gonna die. It was itching all over my body to the point that I could hardly breathe, got a severe headache, my eyes burnt, my face all red and swollen, and also my ears ringing in a bad way. I never experienced something like this during my life, and Thank God A was around; he quickly ran into the nearest pharmacy to grab Loratadine.

This was the same reason that my savoring Eatlah has come to an end. I'm a sucker for salted egg dish but once I developed a rash and unfortunately left permanent marks on my leg, I realised I had to stop.

Another thing that triggered me to see the internist was that this year, I developed chronic hives on the chest, and rash on joints—groin, neck, legs—a few hours after I took painkillers due to tooth extraction. Woke up at 3 a.m., felt the burning sensation around the chest and the back, I struggled to breath normally. A said I was allergic to the fried chicken I had last night but my guts said it was the painkillers who messed up my immune system. I went to see the doctor in the basement floor of the office building, and guess what she said: when this happens again, she urged me to go to emergency right away and ask for an allergy shot since it was a near death experience. Drug allergy may cause serious conditions. The worst part is that the burning sensation went more intense every time I was exposed to the sun. This condition tortured me for more than a week and don't get me started with the more I sweat, the more itchy I become. Imagine the discomfort I felt during commuting to the office 😩

So I went to an immunology internist, telling him everything I have experienced. He said I developed allergy reaction to a certain painkiller, developed urticaria symptoms, and should avoid that certain drug at all costs. Listening to my explanation, he doubted that I have an allergy to certain food because the symptoms were inconsistent. He examined my scalp and in result suggested that I undergo panel allergy and ANA-IF test. These tests by far were the most expensive tests I have ever done but I was dying to see the result so I have no choice but went for it anyway.

A week later, the result came, and guess what 👀. The doctor's right—among 54 allergens, there were no specific antibodies detected. Not even dairy. I'm Asian but I am not lactose intolerant (!!) guess I was built differently eh. But, but, what made my heart felt like dropped to the ground was when I saw this:

and the doctor kept me hanging by a thread by canceling the appointment two times. Not to mention, I had to book an appointment a month in advance since I guess he's sort of the expert in immunology in town (?). I was wondering about what the result meant so I googled it, yet I regretted it. I had to stop at Sjorgen's Syndrome 😨

Fast forward I finally get to see him, and there's nothing to be worried about. I was diagnosed with histamine sensitivity, meaning I have to avoid consuming high histamine food whenever my immune system is low. The ANA IF went positive might be the effect of the previous drug allergy. Yet if I had a rash that leaves scars, I have to see him again (It's the sjorgen's syndrome that's haunting me for real!!).

I used to believe that my preferred food choices were harmless, but it turns out I was mistaken. Now, I realise I need to limit my intake of fermented foods such as yogurt, berries, dairy, as well as caffeine and spinach whenever the immune system is low. Due to where I grew up, I develop a habit of eating spinach up to 4 times in a week. I also have greek yogurt for sahoor since it is convenient. And the real question is, how in the actual way I figured out my immune system was currently low?! I think I knew my body that well but again I was wrong.

Not long ago I tried newly opened kedai rahang tuna and it only took 5 minutes to make my face and skin turn red. It was my friend who noticed it first. I decided not to take any medication for the next 30 minutes but started to feel my heartbeat racing and feel my face warm😵 I think the quote you are what you eat is true as I get older 😓

Come to think of it.. we never really go vacation, after more than 5 year marriage. To just go on a new place solely for refreshing—not because in order to attend someone's wedding reception, or to meet our parents, or to look for a rented room, or to attend graduation ceremony. We always get out of town in a certain agenda—and that was not for just the two of us enjoying our presence.

It is funny how I always celebrate every new phase of life in Jogja. There was one time I went to Jogja with my KKN friends for closure and starting thesis phase, one other time I sneaked apart from the study excursion group to meet my dear friend--and getting scolded by them afterwards, one other time to celebrate my bachelor graduation, one other time to spend a reaaally good times with old friends a month after starting my first job, and some other time we spent 2 nights at Jogja before ngunduh mantu reception.

So this short trip is dedicated to us; to me who take a turning point in a not-so-young-age; and to A who wants to take a short getaway from his job. And here I am trying to write down all the (bitter)sweet memories we had during the trip 😀

First of all, I might mentioned it here—so in the future I won't make mistake again, is to make sure that the chosen date was not during school break. That was #mistakeno1 we did and deeply regret. This was very important but never slipped in mind because I just randomly chose the date. The higher hotel fare must explain a lot but still I did not get the clue 😅

#mistakeno2 was to choose hotel located faraway from our destination's list. I happened to book hotel at Prawirotaman located in the south, while our destination list are mostly in northern suburban 😢

#mistakeno3 was to flipped A's furious switch for being late to the train station (I thought he was waiting for the heavy rain to stop so I take my time as much as I can, turned out he's just waiting for me to get ready the whole time 😝) got caught in the middle of traffic jam, spend 3 hours just to get to train station with an empty stomach, had to improvise the schedule but thank God we were an hour early from departure schedule.

#mistakeno4 : A chose to wear his long forgotten pair of sneakers that did not take much time for the soles to tear apart along the way 😂 plus he despise me for choosing economy train 😫 (I was totally okay with economy train but apparently A wasn't) oh dear I felt so helpless during the night ride until the point that the thought of me offering him to forget our plan and ride back to home by the next train popped up in mind. I was so close to give up since I can't bear any longer looking the dark clouds hanging around A's head.

but thank God we didn't, because we were having a blast!!

This was our second time to stay at Green Host Hotel. The place appeared to be more greener, bushier (in a good way of course) than the last time we were here, but still managed to keep the serenity even though it is located in a narrow alley.

Since the trip was planned far in advance, I made a reservation to dine in at Golden Geisha ramen. Oh my God it was soo goood!! 😆And we also try Nanamia Pizzeria!! Don't get me started about how reasonable the price is, compared to ramen or authentic pasta we've got at Ibukota!

And in order to balance the brain (since I use too much of the left brain apparently), we visited ArtJog2023. Too bad I already deleted the pictures, but how can I put in into words about what I felt by viewing arts there.. some arts could leave that unsettling, disturbing feeling.. but that is how good art works, said A.

We savor the food Jogja has to offer.. and my toxic traits is whenever we go out I have to grab iced coffee. We drop by A's ex room mate coffeeshop, Saka Coffee (be sure to come here ya guys 😜#ad (imagine how hard  I contemplate after coming back from that place, that people my age already run a coffeeshop and there's me who still try figure out things 😔)

Even though we always gravitate towards food, but on the last day we managed to go to the Slili beach.

We were grateful for Sol Sepatu Bangkit for being there, exist gracefully on the side of the UGM bridge. We made sure the next time we go there we obviously bring our (tons of) broken shoes to fix 😂.

AND the last part and the most important highlight of Jogja trip was.. Nasi Kuning MUNA CUNG. The best nasi kuning I have ever tried in my life and really worth the price (a bit pricey compared to other nasi kuning but trust me on this one, this was BOMB!) The pic is not aesthetic since the stall located in Pasar. This was our second attempt since the first time we get there, there was a longer queue.

So what food (or ice coffee) in Jogja we should try next? 😆

My workplace was once relocated to the office located relatively near to my house in the beginning of the year (big YAY), where I fully anticipated and expected—and one of the reason why I let go of Room 16.

But, BUT, one thing or another got in the way, or simply the universe wants to test me to another level, suddenly I was moved into Sudirman office.

I can't help but remember A once wondering why I don't go to work to SCBD area, since according to him, seemed sophisticated and sort of cool which made me swear "there's no way in hell I got to work there!"

And there I was, pulling all night to get the work done until 03 A.M in one of that tall building. Oh the irony 😌

To be honest, I love working here regardless the lift queue and the price of the meal—it was only few steps away to Grand Lucky, and plenty options of public transport—forcing me to walk more than 5km everyday and I believe it sort of helped to improve my physical strength  ...

... but apparently not my mental strength 😅

I literally bleed for two months, got bruises everywhere on both my legs, gulped milk coffee every single day to stay awake and stay sane (I already worried about my daily sugar intake even though I ordered less sugar), felt extremely exhausted, got panic attack every time my phone chimes, silently burst out tears on the back seat of the taxi, etc.

I got no time—to wash my hair, to rest—for my self and A; let alone time to clean the house. Coming home past 9 P.M only to find that my house is a literal mess yet got no strength left to fix it. And then there's weekend, two precious days where I got the power only to do the mandatory chores—not enough to clean up the mess, and even sometimes got distracted by work calls and midnight zoom meeting. Endless loophole for months. Oh, and I forgot to mention that whenever I came home late means that A would stay awake until I reach home. I felt terrible for him. Those were sort of thing that kept me from being "You've got this Zi" to "you should consider to stop". 

I usually was not a person who easily give up, even HR once said that I was placed (along with one friend) to certain division because among all of new joiners, only both of us were mentally tough enough based on our psychology test result.

Some people just questioned my decision but it was not my job to explain to them. Not gonna lie though, that thought sometimes got into me either. As a matter of fact, I'm torn between 

Fast forward, the last two were the winner. Actually, this was not me giving up, this was me taking a short break to something bigger that is about to come next.

Another highlight.

I had rented a room around Cipete Raya for a solid month, lined up for Kopi Tuku every morning, commuted to office with MRT—experiencing life as Jakselian (is that even a word though), and still did not change the fact that it would have made anything better.  None of my workmates know any of this 😝. Yet no matter how close it is from the office, home is my ultimate comfort zone and the cure itself.

Another highlight.

I had the best time in my life this February—meeting and getting to know new, cool people with various backgrounds whom about to be sent all over the world. and being so honored to be in 30 minute lecture with a person I adored since a long time ago that brought me in a situation where I desperately try to get into UI so that I could join her public lecture one day. Never once in my life that it was happening in this February 💕.

Another highlight.

A did not want to miss the picnic vibe during long weekend, so the next day we went to Urban Forest Cipete, soaked up the sun, went home stuffed with a happy heart.

I realized I barely write anything here since 2022. Apparently I found alternatives to clear my mind other than writing—and one of it is walking. >9000 steps during commuting explains a lot why I take the courage to redirect my life at my 30s. A long hours to contemplate and to argue with myself, all happened inside my head.

I swear I'm gonna come up with more of regular posts, but part of me did not want to be all whiny 😂. According to what happen lately in the twitter world, some posts that I think is harmless, some people might think it is harmful and that exactly what's holding me for writing in the internet world 😖 Like, anything could be triggering for some people, as simple as indomie for lunch after swimming session 😭 Come on people, spend your energy to something else, like writing online journal (regularly) to keep most of your life 😝

Have you ever watch Korean Drama This Is My First Life? On the last episode, the female lead mentioned about a book titled To Room 19, telling about a wife that secretly rent a room away from her husband and her kids so that she could have some space on her own.

Related to that story, I kinda have that exact room away from my husband to do things on my own, to be completely me, to keep my sanity. A place where I could rest; where I could focus on something I currently pursue; where I could get closer to life I have been living while I'm at my best. A place where a friend whom I consider as a big sister lives.

Somehow, maybe it's time for me to give up the Room 16 that I hold on dearly for so long; meaning that I am so ready for whatever life throws at me.

Just like the name of this cafe, perhaps this decision is a turning point for me 😅