You know, sometimes life could be harder when you’re the least favorite among others. Be it your parents, your boss, your teacher. It hurts when you are treated like you’re invisible.

Back in elementary school, I was in this team of 3 (the other 2 are my seniors), joining a competition among Islamic Schools in the city where some of the subjects were things I was actually pretty good at (Arabic and Islamic History—okay don’t laugh). Not a surprise when we finally got the 2nd winner. The bizarre thing was, when we, the team, were supposed to take a victory photo, and suddenly this coach of ours asked me to get out of the frame and replaced me with another relative of his—the kid who didn’t even go to the same school with us! That was so weird on so many levels. I earned that position and he mindlessly made me out of the picture. I know I shouldn’t hold a grudge over something trivial like this but man I can’t deny that that was humiliating. I kept thinking about it until today since what he did still makes no sense to me.

After graduated few month ago I was like, 'okay, whats next?'

Both of my parents really wants me to continue my degree. Since studying in a higher education is my childhood obsession (hahah), I couldnt say no to that. So I said to them that I would like to, but on one condition: I wont do that unless I get scholarship.

I know, a part of me think I'm throwing away a good chance, why bother if your parents saying that they can take care of ur tuition?

But the other me think different way. Whats the point if I graduate from master degree by self-funding and then try to find a job in a such age? Plus, master degree tuition isnt that cheap, thats the real reason why I insist to get scholarship so I can get rid of what-so-called self funding tuition.

But things didnt go that easy. However, I keep applying overseas scholarships since my third year and you know what I've got?
Nothing.

I spent most of my savings to prepare applications here and there and I've got nothing.

Everybody said I almost get it but in the end it wasnt mine at all.

Depressed. Frustrated.
Low self confidence.

Until one day I hit on a scholar-motivation blog and it said that we have to start somewhere. It could be a job, business, course. Anything.

And I find the answer : Maybe its not the door for me to open yet.
Maybe I have to try other doors, that fits the key I bring.
Maybe God wants me to do something before I continue my study.

So I started applying job and here I am.
Got to work in a large insurance company,
Which provides full scholarship for their employee to pursue higher degree.

I knew God always make the very best plan for me.

Some students will be excited welcoming a new semester after a long break,
some of it will be worry about facing abundant tasks or finishing their thesis,

... ME?
worrying about how my schizophrenic aunty wont let me go outside or worse, she wants to follow me everywhere, even when I have to take mid exam.

Z,
1.36 pm,
in a train heading to surabaya

There was one day that I had 3 identity in one hand.

I had to be Windia, my junior in college.
It was a hectic time like I always did, I went to my ex-college to present my research that I conduct in front of the judge but because I have to graduate earlier so I got my junior to replace me AND because she didn't know anything about my research, I had to be her to be able to present the research perfectly. Not to mention that I deliberately chose her as my substitute because she pretty much looks like me. My friends was always mistaken about  calling me windi* during her first year.

After the presentation done, I had to cross an island to take TOEFL test at one of university I never go to, as Irma Y. I wanna help someone to pass a certain score so that he can graduate on time but I ended up helping everyone on that class (lol) because the test itself was not that secure like my university always did.
Something that I have to make it clear that I didn't earn money to do that. Put an emphasis on it.

The thing is, sometimes 'being anybody else' to make something
done properly, or to help someone is important.

Risk taker or rule breaker? name it.

P.S: But then again, I didn't realize that what I've done to make everything'w done properly always beat me up in the end. Gotta tell you later.